Goodbye and Hello

Monday I came into the office to the news that a co-worker had passed away. We all knew she was sick, but I didn't really think she wouldn't make it. She has gotten frail and was out of the office a lot, but I thought she would be back.

Clearly I was wrong.

She passed away Saturday night and she won't walk in the door again or tell another joke or ask about my weekend. Life is short, even when it feels long, it is really, really short. And life is unpredictable.

I was tasked with going through her messages and taking care of her phone and computer. I know it has to be done and I don't fight being given the task. But...but, to listen to someone's messages - some of them left this morning - isn't a trivial. I feel like I have no place here, yet I know I have to finish it. I feel like a peeping Betty, spying on someone in their most openly private moment, death.

I finish and make some arrangements and I have this nagging feeling that I could have been nicer, that I could have been more understanding. I was't outright mean, but I know I could have done a better job - but.... But I didn't expect her to really die. I didn't and so I have to process my actions and lack of action.

I am a nice person and I don't have any excuse. I was nice enough, but really that just means that I didn't give better or more, that I was a slacker and now I don't have a chance to make it up to her. I feel a bit of guilt, but not overwhelming because really the issue is the spirit behind it, not what was obvious.

The other thing I am processing is that, this is it. This, right here, right now, this moment.
I am not where I want to be, not with whom I want to be with - so what am I going to do?
I am not going to waste any more time. I am not going to give 89.31% rather than 100% to someone and thus to myself. I have to start doing the things on my list to do and that includes removing the fear when pursuing this "thing" that I want.

It also means removing the fear and asking her to forgive me of my ignorance for not opening up more. I realize this is my way of telling her goodbye and I'll get a chance to do it until I get it right.

Thank you Allison for slapping me with the message I should have gotten when Jonathan passed in June - I had a hint, but know I think I see the full picture.