Getting off the Merry-go-round

Ever find yourself in a situation you promised you wouldn't find yourself in again? Ever make a vow to not do something again, but time passes and the vividness of that vow fades?

I managed to find myself in a situation I said I wouldn't again, I know better afterall. I'm supposed to DO better. But I failed again. It goes the same each time, how many times must this go around before I get sick enough to stop for good. Dating and wanting to date...I'm not good at it and I know it. So how did I get here this time?

It starts simple enough. I'm comfortable, in a good space, my life is going well. I have a great life, I've known that for some time. And then - then I meet some guy I find attractive and it all starts again, this merry-go-round.

I went to a party with friends. I realize I don't go out much anymore and who wants to be the weird hermit chick? So, I make an effort to go out and I'm having a reasonable amount of fun talking to new people, laughing with old friends and watching hipsters do the mating jig. I'm fine, having a great time just being. No expectations and then....

I notice him noticing me. He is cute. He looks a bit older than me, which is new to me. A part of my brain keeps flashing in neon the word "older". I flee the party for outside. Safe. I sit and watch traffic and think about nothing. Old friends and new friends come over.

He comes outside and watches me, our eyes keep meeting while others tell us funny stories....and we are back on the merry-go-round. I'm attracted and apparently so is he.

My friend picks up on it and before I can pull her away, she walks over to him. I am trying to focus on what my other friends are saying, what ANYONE around is saying because I'm afraid of what she's telling him.
I see him out of the corner of my eye watching me. I then hear, "Yeah, well I have a friend who wants to meet you."

Then she just walks away from him like she'd said nothing. He looks disappointed not to know who wants to meet him. I want to run over and grab her, but I don't.
I don't, I go back to pretending to know what the group was discussing while my brain plays her sentence over and over and over.

We do end up meeting briefly by midnight and exchange contact information.

All is fine and flirty and he tells me where he's be for another event. There's a bit more flirting and there's another event he mentions. I'm excited to see him again - not overly excited but open to flirting and seeing what happens. I let my guard down, I start to believe I can actually pull this off.

But, before I even know it I've fallen off the merry-go-round again. Without warning, without me being over involved.

Ok, no more merry-go-rounds for me. I know I suck at dating already, don't need to keep refreshing that fact.