So that's what 40 looks like

40. I can remember when that word, forty, sounded like a lot. A lot of money (starving college student), a lot of shoes (shoe addict), a lot of years.
And yesterday forty and I were introduced on a personal level. Hilter and I share birthdays and yesterday I turned 40 on mine.

I can remember when I thought 20 was OLD, very, very old. I remember turning 19 in college and feeling burden, shackled, limited. I fought it and hard. I refused to admit that I'd turned 19.

Lara humored me by creating a birthday card for me to celebrate my "18b" birthday. I was fighting it (and everything else, I was 20 afterall).
The last thing I wanted to do was to actually grow up!
I learned to get over this by the time I turned 21 - really, I could only be "18c" for so long. People look at you weird when you say you are "18c", "18k" etc.

I've always been responsible and mature. (I've looked much older.) As a kid, and I mean REALLY a kid, I could pass for much older. On my 14th birthday, out to dinner with my mom and step-drag, I ordered a drink - the only one I knew the name of at the time thanks to movies, a screw-driver.
The waitress brought the drink too. (My mother told her I had just turned 14 that day and that I was kidding.)

I was always mistaken for being older, much older as a kid. I matured physically and mentally quickly and I guess a lot of people couldn't believe I was still a kid - but I was.

Now that I've turned 40, I have to get used to saying that when asked my age. When I turned 35 I had a hard time remember exactly how old I was - not because I hated that age, but because I honestly no longer remembered. When I meet men now, (I've decided to start dating - I am 40 after all.), it will be interesting to see their reaction to my age.

I noticed in my 30s that men my age had a habit of dating younger women and I'm sure my 40s will bring more of the same. This used to bother me a bit, like a mosquito in the room that hasn't bitten you yet - there was always this small annoyance. But I realized that there were a lot of younger men asking me out - sometimes too young. I didn't feel like my options were limited by age and I'm sure men in their 40s are dating younger women too, but it isn't my issue.

I just want to say 40 feels good. I would not trade this time or my 30s for younger years. Those years did provide a thinner, muscular, martial arts body, but it they also provided relationships based on that body and not on the person inside. It was ALL about how you looked rather than who you were or where you wanted to go, and while that exists to a degree in older people, I find that as people mature and grow, they leave the surface behind for what lies beneath.

I'm really looking forward to this year. There is someone on campus that I'm attracted to (now if only he would say something). I'm going away with one of my best friends to Barbados. I don't have breast cancer - that alone is a gift. I've had a successful corporate career and I was able to successfully walk away. I'm finishing my degree - this at times is frightening because a BIG dream is just around the corner. I can see myself successful in job choice.
There is much to look forward to, not just this year but in the future period.

To everyone that has yet to reach 40 I'd like to tell you something, don't fear the number or what people say you should have done by that age - just enjoy your time and listen to what works best for you.

Update: Campus boy turned out to be a major dud and while this is disappointing (and weird for a solid 24 hours), I'm moving on.