Tomorrow I graduate from college. I'm excited, but only allow myself to feel a small portion of that excitment.
I do that. I deny myself the full extent of whatever goal/milestone/event I've accomplished.....I don't know why I do this. At least I'm aware of it.
I don't want to sound like I am not happy to have reached this goal or that it isn't a big deal. I know millions would love the opportunity to get a college degree and can't. So I don't mean to sound ungrateful - I am.
But I realize that I only have seconds where I allow myself to live in the moment of some success. I wonder if it's because I fear getting too lost in the moment or becoming too filled with pride.
One of the things I try to do is to be aware of what life is like for others - how my words or actions will impact others. This sounds like it takes up more time than it actually does. It isn't hard to consider how your actions might harm or help someone or something else.
I don't want to forget that I am and have been able to live, travel, think, speak and just be as a result of many people in the world, over time, realtives and strangers. Everyone does not have the same opportunities or access and I try to remember that - I don't want to forget how blessed and lucky I am and have been in life.
I start graduate school in August, something I am also quietly celebrating.
The commencement ceremony is tomorrow morning. I am not attending.
I don't see the point and didn't want my family to spend a ton of money flying into Austin. I don't feel the need to walk across a stage and have people see me get my fake diploma (the real one comes later in the mail).
The most important thing to me is that I've done it....I've graduated and gotten into graduate school. I think I'll walk for the next graduation, but I keep imagining that moment with the music from Star Wars rather than the traditional music.
Maybe that just means my brain needs a break.
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