So that's what 40 looks like

40. I can remember when that word, forty, sounded like a lot. A lot of money (starving college student), a lot of shoes (shoe addict), a lot of years.
And yesterday forty and I were introduced on a personal level. Hilter and I share birthdays and yesterday I turned 40 on mine.

I can remember when I thought 20 was OLD, very, very old. I remember turning 19 in college and feeling burden, shackled, limited. I fought it and hard. I refused to admit that I'd turned 19.

Lara humored me by creating a birthday card for me to celebrate my "18b" birthday. I was fighting it (and everything else, I was 20 afterall).
The last thing I wanted to do was to actually grow up!
I learned to get over this by the time I turned 21 - really, I could only be "18c" for so long. People look at you weird when you say you are "18c", "18k" etc.

I've always been responsible and mature. (I've looked much older.) As a kid, and I mean REALLY a kid, I could pass for much older. On my 14th birthday, out to dinner with my mom and step-drag, I ordered a drink - the only one I knew the name of at the time thanks to movies, a screw-driver.
The waitress brought the drink too. (My mother told her I had just turned 14 that day and that I was kidding.)

I was always mistaken for being older, much older as a kid. I matured physically and mentally quickly and I guess a lot of people couldn't believe I was still a kid - but I was.

Now that I've turned 40, I have to get used to saying that when asked my age. When I turned 35 I had a hard time remember exactly how old I was - not because I hated that age, but because I honestly no longer remembered. When I meet men now, (I've decided to start dating - I am 40 after all.), it will be interesting to see their reaction to my age.

I noticed in my 30s that men my age had a habit of dating younger women and I'm sure my 40s will bring more of the same. This used to bother me a bit, like a mosquito in the room that hasn't bitten you yet - there was always this small annoyance. But I realized that there were a lot of younger men asking me out - sometimes too young. I didn't feel like my options were limited by age and I'm sure men in their 40s are dating younger women too, but it isn't my issue.

I just want to say 40 feels good. I would not trade this time or my 30s for younger years. Those years did provide a thinner, muscular, martial arts body, but it they also provided relationships based on that body and not on the person inside. It was ALL about how you looked rather than who you were or where you wanted to go, and while that exists to a degree in older people, I find that as people mature and grow, they leave the surface behind for what lies beneath.

I'm really looking forward to this year. There is someone on campus that I'm attracted to (now if only he would say something). I'm going away with one of my best friends to Barbados. I don't have breast cancer - that alone is a gift. I've had a successful corporate career and I was able to successfully walk away. I'm finishing my degree - this at times is frightening because a BIG dream is just around the corner. I can see myself successful in job choice.
There is much to look forward to, not just this year but in the future period.

To everyone that has yet to reach 40 I'd like to tell you something, don't fear the number or what people say you should have done by that age - just enjoy your time and listen to what works best for you.

Update: Campus boy turned out to be a major dud and while this is disappointing (and weird for a solid 24 hours), I'm moving on.

When someone says, "Can I show you something?", say NO.

I work in a VPs office, it is a pretty posh office. My work days are very quiet and the most exciting thing is when meetings overlap and everyone fights for the conference room. And by 'fight' I mean, they ask me where else they can go.
Today was different.
After a meeting ended,the attendees (VPs, Directors, assorted big wigs) left and then three returned.

One asked my co-worker if he could show her something. Ok, we get that all the time - they usually want to discuss the features of our new copier or where we got that new plant. But not today. Nope today what he showed her was different.

It was a turd, in the hall. Just hanging out in the hall between the offices for not one, but THREE vice presidents.

He then asked her, "How do you think that got there?" How do you respond to that?

None of us are sure what to make of this, but I'm quite grossed out now. This is another reason why I won't go into straight counseling when I graduate. There are limits to what I can help people with in therapy. Hey, at least I know my limits right?

Believe it or not, one of the big wigs cleaned it up. Who said bosses don't sometimes do the dirty work?

And I realized the Easter Bunny was toothless

Since I now live in another state - 8 hours away from my family, the holidays are not the same. No more going to my grandma's for Easter dinner (lunch, breakfast - really whenever I showed up she'd feed me) or seeing my family.
Now the holidays are spent making phone calls to everyone and if I'm not too lazy, making dinner for myself. (The dinner making rarely happens -there are other things I'd rather do instead. Including not doing anything.)

This Easter after cleaning I decided to treat myself to a movie. There are a few on my list and one is 'Reign over Me' with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. I needed something low-key and mellow with the rain and hail of an Easter Sunday in Austin. 'Grindhouse' just wasn't going to do it for me.

I made it to the movie by the skin of my teeth. When the movie hadn't started six minutes after the advertised time, a lady loudly proclaimed she was going to let the projectionist know. Clearly she had things to do and being off six minutes was going to throw everything out of whack for her.
She returns to the theatre and announces that there is a problem. Umm, ok. Not a minute later in walks the Easter Bunny. Seriously. And this particular Easter Hare is sporting a neon road worker's vest, a glow stick and I'm pretty sure doesn't have her teeth in.
The Easter Bunny is pleasant and lets us all know that they are aware of the issue and are working on it. While she's talking I'm thinking, "Has the Easter Bunny been drinking?!" At least the drinking would explain the whole Easter ensemble, neon vest, glow stick and missing teeth. Why can't I just enjoy a simple movie? Why?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

I'm usually good at figuring things out. Usually. Not all the time, but most times.
Lately there's something, rather someone, I can't figure out and it bugs me because I really want to solve the puzzle Wheel o' Fortune style.

There's a guy on campus that I see all the time. He's sort of cute, but he likes to jump from places and startle me. He doesn't say hello, ever. But he does this thing where he HAS to walk in front of me or else he literally jumps from behind a wall or truck or door RIGHT in front of me.

I'm almost 40 years old...I don't remember how this game goes from elementary school and I need to figure out WHY he keeps startling me.

Whew!

After having my boobies handled by a lot of doctors, I'm happy to say that the lump is nothing more than an infection. Of course I would have an infection there 'cause having one somewhere else would be too normal.
I'm happy, very, very happy that it turned to be nothing too serious. The doc have given me some meds to take and I need to keep an eye on it or them, ahem. Nothing like boobie watch.

I have to admit that it scared me to find one lump and then another. A lump?! In whose breast? Not mine! No matter how much I know that things don’t happen to “them”; things happen to “us”, ALL of us. I still didn’t think that one day I’ve have this sort of scare.

I lost my aunt to breast cancer when she was 43 years old. That was 11 years ago and in some ways it feels like last week. I don’t believe we ever get over losing someone we love and I didn’t want my family to have to go through that all again. I know, I know there is no guarentee that I wouldn’t have survived, but cancer tends to be more aggressive in minorities. Anyhoo – the boobies are fine and that is all that matters. (That and I won’t have to have another strange man (doctor or not, he’s still a stranger) feel me up!

In trying to process it all, it occurred to me (yep, I knew this but tuned it out) that I might not have time for all the things I’ve said I’d do “If” and “When”. I have lists in my mind and on paper (since my mind likes to forget stuff) of things I want to do, should do, need to do.

I’ve decided that there is no time like the present. Sure I can’t afford to do some of the things on my list right now, but there are others I can do that don’t cost any money.
They might cost me a little pride (if rejected) or a little sweat (how long has it been since I stood in a stance??) or maybe a little crow to chomp on…
I need to think about dating again and stop avoiding it – that is a whole nother blog because I’m not ready for that just yet. One thing at a time…
I need to get more organized.
I need to let go of some friendships that no longer work for me.
You get the idea.

One of those “I need to” things was visiting Barbados and at the end of April I will do just that. I am very excited and have to stop myself dancing at work.
I’m looking forward to a nice hotel stay, hanging out with the locals, watching amazing sunrises and sunsets, trying new rums (and bringing some home) and relaxing. I plan to take lots and lots and lots of photos.
I feel like I’m making progress. I’m at least one step closer to my goals.