Ever find yourself in a situation you promised you wouldn't find yourself in again? Ever make a vow to not do something again, but time passes and the vividness of that vow fades?
I managed to find myself in a situation I said I wouldn't again, I know better afterall. I'm supposed to DO better. But I failed again. It goes the same each time, how many times must this go around before I get sick enough to stop for good. Dating and wanting to date...I'm not good at it and I know it. So how did I get here this time?
It starts simple enough. I'm comfortable, in a good space, my life is going well. I have a great life, I've known that for some time. And then - then I meet some guy I find attractive and it all starts again, this merry-go-round.
I went to a party with friends. I realize I don't go out much anymore and who wants to be the weird hermit chick? So, I make an effort to go out and I'm having a reasonable amount of fun talking to new people, laughing with old friends and watching hipsters do the mating jig. I'm fine, having a great time just being. No expectations and then....
I notice him noticing me. He is cute. He looks a bit older than me, which is new to me. A part of my brain keeps flashing in neon the word "older". I flee the party for outside. Safe. I sit and watch traffic and think about nothing. Old friends and new friends come over.
He comes outside and watches me, our eyes keep meeting while others tell us funny stories....and we are back on the merry-go-round. I'm attracted and apparently so is he.
My friend picks up on it and before I can pull her away, she walks over to him. I am trying to focus on what my other friends are saying, what ANYONE around is saying because I'm afraid of what she's telling him.
I see him out of the corner of my eye watching me. I then hear, "Yeah, well I have a friend who wants to meet you."
Then she just walks away from him like she'd said nothing. He looks disappointed not to know who wants to meet him. I want to run over and grab her, but I don't.
I don't, I go back to pretending to know what the group was discussing while my brain plays her sentence over and over and over.
We do end up meeting briefly by midnight and exchange contact information.
All is fine and flirty and he tells me where he's be for another event. There's a bit more flirting and there's another event he mentions. I'm excited to see him again - not overly excited but open to flirting and seeing what happens. I let my guard down, I start to believe I can actually pull this off.
But, before I even know it I've fallen off the merry-go-round again. Without warning, without me being over involved.
Ok, no more merry-go-rounds for me. I know I suck at dating already, don't need to keep refreshing that fact.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Condo Living!
Two years ago I bought one of my dreams, a loft. This is my first home and it has so many things I wanted. Sure, I'd like a smidge more feet of space, but really it is ideal.
There are windows, windows, windows and high ceilings and light. I sometimes lie on the floor and smile because I'm happy just being there.
Until now.
There's a cloud blocking my uncovered window panoramic view. A petty, small, yappy, insane cloud. Merde! I want that effn cloud to move!!!!!
I handle the books for my complex. When I left my career after a decade, I realized I wanted to stop traveling and working ALL the time. I wanted less, which really would open the door for more, more, more. More time to experience what I want from my life, more time to spend with friends, more time to decorate my new home, more time to focus on finding a boyfriend with potential. Changing jobs meant making less money unless I wanted to get back into some corporate postion - which I didn't.
When the opportunity came for me to do the books for the complex, it was perfect. I could work from home and at my own pace. There have been challenges, but you just keep going and do your best to dance it off. (I work on the books at home, I can take a dance break when stressed.
Due to some changes, I was asked to join the formal board for my complex. I didn't want to be on the board, but I understood the reasons they needed me. My thought was that I would do it until it was election time. I've had so much happen in the last 4 months, I didn't want another responsibilty....but I was responsible.
Until now.
There are two 'members' that have created so much petty drama that I resigned this morning. No, I'm not a coward. But I have moments when I know I have to remove myself from situations. I'm grown up now...I have learned to walk away...I can do this...don't respond to them, just keep walking.
Mother of Pearl!!! I want them to stop creating drama by sending emails with passive and petty behavior! I'm trying to go, just let me.
But they can't, the wee man and the insane female....they are both cowards in real life. I call them weak and cowards because if they wanted to really address me, I live two floors up...just two little floors. All either would have to do is knock on my door, but they won't.
I now know why city council members sometimes end up in fist fights. I don't think it is right, but now I understand. People use words to inflict pain and cause distress; sometimes that frustrates the victim so much they physically react.
That is why I'm walking away from the board. I need my peace. I need to tune out the noise of that drama and pettiness.
I have a responsibilty to act as an adult, to act as a martial artist who DID learn control, to act as the Christian most importantly. (God knows I'm far from perfect, he does expect me to try to do better now that I know better.)
There are windows, windows, windows and high ceilings and light. I sometimes lie on the floor and smile because I'm happy just being there.
Until now.
There's a cloud blocking my uncovered window panoramic view. A petty, small, yappy, insane cloud. Merde! I want that effn cloud to move!!!!!
I handle the books for my complex. When I left my career after a decade, I realized I wanted to stop traveling and working ALL the time. I wanted less, which really would open the door for more, more, more. More time to experience what I want from my life, more time to spend with friends, more time to decorate my new home, more time to focus on finding a boyfriend with potential. Changing jobs meant making less money unless I wanted to get back into some corporate postion - which I didn't.
When the opportunity came for me to do the books for the complex, it was perfect. I could work from home and at my own pace. There have been challenges, but you just keep going and do your best to dance it off. (I work on the books at home, I can take a dance break when stressed.
Due to some changes, I was asked to join the formal board for my complex. I didn't want to be on the board, but I understood the reasons they needed me. My thought was that I would do it until it was election time. I've had so much happen in the last 4 months, I didn't want another responsibilty....but I was responsible.
Until now.
There are two 'members' that have created so much petty drama that I resigned this morning. No, I'm not a coward. But I have moments when I know I have to remove myself from situations. I'm grown up now...I have learned to walk away...I can do this...don't respond to them, just keep walking.
Mother of Pearl!!! I want them to stop creating drama by sending emails with passive and petty behavior! I'm trying to go, just let me.
But they can't, the wee man and the insane female....they are both cowards in real life. I call them weak and cowards because if they wanted to really address me, I live two floors up...just two little floors. All either would have to do is knock on my door, but they won't.
I now know why city council members sometimes end up in fist fights. I don't think it is right, but now I understand. People use words to inflict pain and cause distress; sometimes that frustrates the victim so much they physically react.
That is why I'm walking away from the board. I need my peace. I need to tune out the noise of that drama and pettiness.
I have a responsibilty to act as an adult, to act as a martial artist who DID learn control, to act as the Christian most importantly. (God knows I'm far from perfect, he does expect me to try to do better now that I know better.)
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
I want:
1. Something that you recently changed: My friends, my furniture, my way of interacting with some friends.
2. Never in my life have I sucked: Licorice. I hate it.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: My brother.
4. In High School I was: Moody, smart, bitchy, angry, punk rock, an honor student.
5. When I'm nervous: I revert to bad habits.
6. The last time I cried was:I don't remember the exact date, but recently. I've lost a few people in the last months.
7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: No one, I've seen the show Bridezillas.
8. Wine of choice: Cabernet Savignon or Prosecco.
9. My hair is: shoulder length and dreadlocked.
10. When I was 4: I knew more than I knew how to express.
11. Last Christmas: it snowed when I went home.
12. Last soda you drank: half a coke yesterday.
13. I should be: working.
14. When I Look Down: my hair falls out of the bun I'm sportin'.
15. The craziest recent event was: I don't have just one, give me an subject.
16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: the character that doesn't appear; I don't like that show.
17. By this time next year: I plan to be close to completing one degree; paid off my credit card and met a guy with some real potential.
18. I often dream of: waking up in France or my family.
19. I have a hard time understanding: why people don't treat others as they want to be treated and why it is so hard to look beyond facades.
20. One time at a family gathering: my mother made us ride in the back while the dog rode up front with her.
21. You know I like you: When I spend any time talking or emailing or calling you.
22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd tell would be: My mom and Tee.
23. Take my advice: Live life on your own terms and don't be afraid to be who you are.
24. My ideal breakfast is: a latte, blueberries, bananas and beignets.
25. If you visited the place I grew up: You'd mistake it for just a place to party and miss the little things that make it unique.
26. Where do you plan to visit soon: Martinique or France.
27. If you spend the night at my house you better: not wear your shoes on my favorite rug and like cats.
28. Journey or Styx: Journey of course.
29. The world could not do without: Kindness, love, action, consideration, empathy, family, friends, animals, excitment...
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: I am NOT licking a roach for any one, any time, any where. Ewwwww!
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: A new plasma telly and a warranty for it.
32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: I'm thinking....
33. One thing that you could not live without: Love.
34. My favorite color is: white, soft pink, black, oxyblood.
35. Last radio station you listened to: Pandora.com
36. Last underwear purchased: Two months ago.
37. The animal I would like to see flying besides birds are: People. Maybe we wouldn't rely on gas so much. (Please, no pooping in flight either)
38. I shouldn't have: bought 5 pairs of shoes at once.
39. Once, at a bar: I could say a lot here... I have a girl throw a drink in my face because she thought I was hitting on her boyfriend. She missed and I didn't know him at all - my friend WAS hitting on him.
40. Last night I: was too lazy to make my bed.
41. There's this girl I know who: who makes me laugh at work.
42. How do you feel about toilet paper: That it should be good quality. (?)
43. A better name for me would be: depends on who I am that day.
44. If I ever go back to school I will: finish my degree and feel better for having done it.
45. How many days until my birthday?: About 8 months.
46. What I really want for my birthday is: To go on a trip to Martinique or France and to have met a decent guy.
47. I'm wearing: a skirt and a shirt.
48. Tomorrow I am: Working.
49. My friends are: around for a long time.
50. I really wish for: Love, travel, my family to have all their dreams, good friends, a good/happy life and to buy a bigger warehouse/loft next.
2. Never in my life have I sucked: Licorice. I hate it.
3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: My brother.
4. In High School I was: Moody, smart, bitchy, angry, punk rock, an honor student.
5. When I'm nervous: I revert to bad habits.
6. The last time I cried was:I don't remember the exact date, but recently. I've lost a few people in the last months.
7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: No one, I've seen the show Bridezillas.
8. Wine of choice: Cabernet Savignon or Prosecco.
9. My hair is: shoulder length and dreadlocked.
10. When I was 4: I knew more than I knew how to express.
11. Last Christmas: it snowed when I went home.
12. Last soda you drank: half a coke yesterday.
13. I should be: working.
14. When I Look Down: my hair falls out of the bun I'm sportin'.
15. The craziest recent event was: I don't have just one, give me an subject.
16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: the character that doesn't appear; I don't like that show.
17. By this time next year: I plan to be close to completing one degree; paid off my credit card and met a guy with some real potential.
18. I often dream of: waking up in France or my family.
19. I have a hard time understanding: why people don't treat others as they want to be treated and why it is so hard to look beyond facades.
20. One time at a family gathering: my mother made us ride in the back while the dog rode up front with her.
21. You know I like you: When I spend any time talking or emailing or calling you.
22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd tell would be: My mom and Tee.
23. Take my advice: Live life on your own terms and don't be afraid to be who you are.
24. My ideal breakfast is: a latte, blueberries, bananas and beignets.
25. If you visited the place I grew up: You'd mistake it for just a place to party and miss the little things that make it unique.
26. Where do you plan to visit soon: Martinique or France.
27. If you spend the night at my house you better: not wear your shoes on my favorite rug and like cats.
28. Journey or Styx: Journey of course.
29. The world could not do without: Kindness, love, action, consideration, empathy, family, friends, animals, excitment...
30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: I am NOT licking a roach for any one, any time, any where. Ewwwww!
31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: A new plasma telly and a warranty for it.
32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: I'm thinking....
33. One thing that you could not live without: Love.
34. My favorite color is: white, soft pink, black, oxyblood.
35. Last radio station you listened to: Pandora.com
36. Last underwear purchased: Two months ago.
37. The animal I would like to see flying besides birds are: People. Maybe we wouldn't rely on gas so much. (Please, no pooping in flight either)
38. I shouldn't have: bought 5 pairs of shoes at once.
39. Once, at a bar: I could say a lot here... I have a girl throw a drink in my face because she thought I was hitting on her boyfriend. She missed and I didn't know him at all - my friend WAS hitting on him.
40. Last night I: was too lazy to make my bed.
41. There's this girl I know who: who makes me laugh at work.
42. How do you feel about toilet paper: That it should be good quality. (?)
43. A better name for me would be: depends on who I am that day.
44. If I ever go back to school I will: finish my degree and feel better for having done it.
45. How many days until my birthday?: About 8 months.
46. What I really want for my birthday is: To go on a trip to Martinique or France and to have met a decent guy.
47. I'm wearing: a skirt and a shirt.
48. Tomorrow I am: Working.
49. My friends are: around for a long time.
50. I really wish for: Love, travel, my family to have all their dreams, good friends, a good/happy life and to buy a bigger warehouse/loft next.
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