Lump

Monday morning I'm brushing my teeth and I find a lump on my left breast. I guess you are wondering "how" I brush my teeth huh? I usually take off my night clothes before I brush - this way I can see any lumps right?
Anyway, I noticed the lump when I looked in the mirror - it hadn't been there the day prior. One part of my brain freaked - my aunt died at 43 from breast cancer in a matter of months. I'm going to be 40 next month, not exactly the way I want to bring in a milestone birthday.
The other part of my brain said, "Hey, it could be a mosquito bite or one of the cats could have caused that since they like to walk on you in your sleep."

I can only do two things, one start freaking. The other thing I do is start thinking about how to stop my cat from walking ON me. I decided to give it a day, it could go away and I put it out of my mind until after work. After work it was still there. Ok.

I had just been to the doctor in December and all was fine. I'd had a mammogram in August - performed by the horribly titled "Mammomat" - really, a man MUST be picking these names! All looked fine...in August and December.
I went to see my doctor Tuesday, she said the right things but she wasn't her usual fun self and frankly, she looked worried. She took some blood and sent me to a radiologist.

The following day I saw the radiologist, he was nice (which is important because I've had crappy doctors before), but he didn't find anything to explain the lump. He thinks it may be a duct and not serious. He said that if it gets worse to come back. Whew! I feel better, much, much better. (Not that I was afraid of dying - I just have other things I want to do first.)

I came back to work today and feel much better, the world isn't in such sharp focus anymore. And then my doctor's assistant calls this morning - she wants me to come back in to see her within a week and to take another test. I still don't feel as freaked as I did before, but I don't feel completely relaxed anymore either.

This isn't the first time I've been faced with my death. The first time was when a drunk driver decided that a red light didn't apply to him. People say your life flashes before you, mine did not. (Thankfully 'cause I've not been perfect.) Instead, I thought about who was going to tell my mom and how they would tell her. I thought and worried about my friends and family having to hear the news and deal with the mess that follows. I also thought about how I hadn't really, really ever been in love. Sure, I'd loved people and people had loved me, but I hadn't (still haven't) found the person that fit for me. I also remember thinking, "So, this is how I die."
That accident was ten years ago and I still think about how I didn't feel afraid, but felt sad for my family and friends. I guess when you think you are about to die you aren't worried about all the garbage you worry about everyday. Makes sense to me.
Guess I better get going on finding that person huh?