Friends

I bought my first home two years ago. It is a loft which I've always wanted; a place that I can make changes as I please. A place to call mine.

With my new place came lots of new people and adventures. I developed close relationships with many and we've done a lot of things together. We share meals, movies, parties, outside friends, life events, keys to each other's units and problems. But I feel disconnected lately. I suppose
the honeymoon ends for everyone.

Since June 8th, I've lost 6 people in my life. Some of them I've known all of my life or all of theirs. Others I'd know for at least 20 years. Thats a lot of people to loose in such a short time and I'm coping with it. I have to, what is my other choice?
I have to go on because these people can't - it is true, you feel like your world stops, all sounds, actions, thoughts - but the world continues on and on and on.

So I continue on because I can't stop living even though I miss them deeply and my life won't ever be the same; I have to keep moving forward. I also have to keep in mind that when you love someone, the physical isn't what you love because the physical isn't lasting.

In moving on in the world, I've started to examine some of my friendships with neighbors. The honeymoon is over.
I realize I don't want some of the friendships anymore. I had to examine this and make sure I wasn't just pushing people away, I can do that having grown up an only child. You learn to do and be and live on your own, in your own world. I have to admit that perhaps I am pushing away just a touch, but overall these relationships aren't what I want for my life.
I am not perfect. I know that. But I don't want to waste time and energy on people that are flaky or flighty or all the qualities that I don't want in my life.

There are too many details and incidents that lead to this decision, but I'm clear now.
I am ready to limit my friendships. I also have to admit that I think (notice I said "I think"), I'm ready for a serious relationship now.

I suppose loss makes us want to connect in ways that matter with people that matter.

Goodbye and Hello

Monday I came into the office to the news that a co-worker had passed away. We all knew she was sick, but I didn't really think she wouldn't make it. She has gotten frail and was out of the office a lot, but I thought she would be back.

Clearly I was wrong.

She passed away Saturday night and she won't walk in the door again or tell another joke or ask about my weekend. Life is short, even when it feels long, it is really, really short. And life is unpredictable.

I was tasked with going through her messages and taking care of her phone and computer. I know it has to be done and I don't fight being given the task. But...but, to listen to someone's messages - some of them left this morning - isn't a trivial. I feel like I have no place here, yet I know I have to finish it. I feel like a peeping Betty, spying on someone in their most openly private moment, death.

I finish and make some arrangements and I have this nagging feeling that I could have been nicer, that I could have been more understanding. I was't outright mean, but I know I could have done a better job - but.... But I didn't expect her to really die. I didn't and so I have to process my actions and lack of action.

I am a nice person and I don't have any excuse. I was nice enough, but really that just means that I didn't give better or more, that I was a slacker and now I don't have a chance to make it up to her. I feel a bit of guilt, but not overwhelming because really the issue is the spirit behind it, not what was obvious.

The other thing I am processing is that, this is it. This, right here, right now, this moment.
I am not where I want to be, not with whom I want to be with - so what am I going to do?
I am not going to waste any more time. I am not going to give 89.31% rather than 100% to someone and thus to myself. I have to start doing the things on my list to do and that includes removing the fear when pursuing this "thing" that I want.

It also means removing the fear and asking her to forgive me of my ignorance for not opening up more. I realize this is my way of telling her goodbye and I'll get a chance to do it until I get it right.

Thank you Allison for slapping me with the message I should have gotten when Jonathan passed in June - I had a hint, but know I think I see the full picture.

Not sure what to make of this

I've always been successful in other areas of my life, I'm educated (despite the typos I make), I speak more than one language, I've studied martial arts for years, I volunteer, I donate my time and money when I can, I worked at the corporate level with tats, piercings, integrity and dreadlocks, I have two retirement plans, stocks, own my home and car, travel... See, I'm doing great, right?

But when it comes to relationships I suck for lack of a better word. I haven't taken steps to accomplish my goals in other areas, but have been unsuccessful in dating; I've been "suck-successful" in my romantic relationships with men.

I set a pretty intense list of goals for myself in 2004 like paying off all credit cards, paying off my car, buygin my first home etc. And I did the ALL. (I've not that driven but I wanted to move on to another phase of my life and those goals helped me do so. )
My goal since the age of 32 years old has been to find the person for me. Sounds so, so, simple huh? Well, be careful of the things that sould simple, usually they aren't simple in any way except concept.

I didn't date until college and being young, inexperienced and naive, I made some mistakes.
After years of mistakes and at one point giving up dating for 12 yeras; I started picking better.

Of course, this makes dating both easier and harder. I no longer settle for less and it lessens the number of men I would date.

Next!

Wednesday, ah Wednesday. Not too bad of a week so far, but I am quite ready for the weekend. There is nothing like deciding to walk away from a romantic relationship and having pms at the same time.

It is okay, both will pass shortly - the pms HAS to come to and there is another man trying to get my attention anyway.
At least I think he's trying to get my attention, other women seem to think he is trying to get me to notice. I'm clueless with men unless they just tell me upfront. People tell me I'm smart...I just have a hard time realizing if a man is interested in more than just being my friend.

I admit it, I give myself an "F" in dating.
I spent a year in corporate disneyland, own my own home and dream car. I'm successful I tell ya!
I have a great life, GREAT! I love going out and I'm outgoing. I really love my life and don't believe in waiting for someone special to enjoy life. I like having dinner alone and doing things without a boyfriend, but it would be nice if that were a choice that I'd have to make - to invite someone or not to invite someone, that would be the question.
So, if I'm so successful at work and school and karate, why do I absolutely suck in dating? I'm nice and not too nice. I'm independent, ok that doesn't go in my favor much for dating. I'm well read. I've told I look "exotic", which trust me sounds way sexier than any action I actually see.
So why do I suck at dating so much? I don't have an answer for that and I'm sure I won't find a clear one today.