I clench.

Each morning I wake up to the same routine. I am greeted by the cats – they wait patiently for me to stop hitting snooze. Of course they purr so loudly I never really fall back asleep. The minute I put my feet on the floor, dry contacts or not, I carefully make my way to the bathroom – Gabby must have shower water. Then I am herded to the kitchen, Bootini must have fresh kibble in his bowl.


When I'm finished I am free to get ready for work and that starts with brushing my teeth before taking a shower. Two months ago I realized I'd chipped a tooth in my sleep. I went to work and made an appointment to see the dentist immediately.


When I arrived I found out that unfortunately my dentist, who I love, passed away since the last time I had any dental work done. I really liked him because he was kind and funny and sometimes flirty, but he always made sure I didn't feel anything. (I have a high tolerance and it can take six to eight shots before I'm numb. And that numbness doesn't last long so the dentist has to work quickly.)

My dentist never made me feel like a freak for needing so many shots. I had searched for some time in Austin for a good dentist because I had others who didn't believe my tolerance was that high. If you cause me pain you will not be my doctor, besides who gets off on having a numb mouth?



After another dentist failed to fix the chipped tooth I was assigned to the partner of my previous dentist. He fixed my tooth, gave me something for the pain and off I went. But the pain never went away and I realized I couldn't eat on that side of my mouth.

A week later I noticed another tooth was throbbing and I reluctantly made another dentist appointment. The day before the appointment the tooth that was hurting stopped and another tooth on the other side began to hurt. When I went in for my appointment they took x-rays and I was sure they would see what was wrong with so many of my teeth.



I'm in the chair wearing that bib they give you (which always make me think of people whacking the shite outta crabs) and my dentist comes in to say that nothing is wrong with my teeth. I just look at him. My teeth have been hurting and I'm aware that my dentist will think I'm nuts if I say that different teeth have been hurting so something must be wrong with the x-rays. But I say nothing. I am not a hypochondriac and I know I'm not crazy – even though most crazy people think they are fine.



My dentist then asks if the pain travels and I reluctantly admit that yes, different teeth have caused me pain on different days. He then asks more questions and hooray I think…. maybe I am not crazy after all.

It turns out that I clench my jaw all the time – the dentist said I'd been doing it for some time based on my jaw muscles. (I also grind my teeth at night – hooray! That must make me a joy to sleep near.)

So I'm not really crazy, but now I have to wear the weirdest mouth piece that makes me talk with a lisp.

Ok, new start

For sometime now I've had the biggest crush on one of my neighbors. I don't know what it is about him, but couldn't name one thing. I just think he's cute and when he smiles at me it feels really, really nice.
But - there is always a but huh? But he's had this girlfriend for a while. She's very pretty and young. He is not young - which I like, but he's with this very young woman - which for the life of me I don't get outside of the biological "men want to ensure they have a next generation garbage." (And even then I still don't get it.)
He's never called her his girlfriend in my presence which bothers me as a woman, but also tells me something is not right in that relationship.
Anyway, I've had a crush for a while and he and I smile at each other, but I'm tired of this game. Besides I don't think what I'm doing is exactly right either - ok, I know it isn't right. I could and would not ever date a man that didn't finalize his past relationship first. I also don't like the idea of flirting while he clearly has a girlfriend so I'm stopping.
That's it. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Deployment, birthdays and school

Tomorrow's the birthday and I can't say that I've thought about it much with all end of the semester assignments I have to complete. I've spent more time at the library in the past few days than I've EVER spent at the library. (Ok, that may not be entirely true, but I've put in some long hours in the university's library.)

I magically thought I could finish them all by Friday. Ha! There's a name for that isn't there? Where you underestimate the amount of time it takes to complete a task? I know there's a word for that - and that I certainly could have my photo in the dictionary next to its explanation. Although I have two more papers to complete, I've written three in three days - no small thing.

My friend deployed for Iraq this morning. I write that and still can't believe it. I can't wrap my brain around that even though her cat is sleeping next to me. (He'll live with me during her tour.) Even though she had to:
- turn her life upside down
- had to sell most of her things
-bring her cat to Texas to live with me
and
-had to fight her apartment complex (they said she was breaking her lease- nevermind being deployed)
she still remembered my birthday and made sure I got flowers. She sent a note apologizing for having to send them two days early.

I don't know. What do I say? Her cat, Gabby, will be well taken care of and my cat Boo loves him already. I don't know. What can I say?

I'm going to focus on finishing this semester right now. Later I'll focus on sending her packages and photo/video hijinx of her beloved Gabito.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm planning a lowkey day. I think I've planned almost all birthdays that way once I left my early 20s. I'll have brunch with some friends, do more homework, maybe get a mani/pedi, talk to family and friends.

I'd like to make some changes this year and one of them includes flirting again. I looking forward to flirting with someone I think is interesting, nice and attractive. I'm really rusty at it so wish me luck.

A lot can happen in five months

The last time I wrote here I was in summer school.

I finished with a 4.0 and it was a lot of work with a full-time job. Notice I didn't say it was hard to do it and "have a life". I did my best to live in the moment when I got my grades, because as exciting as it is to earn a 4.0, that feeling doesn't last. I reminded myself to remember that moment when I had a bad moment or a bad day.
I started classes in the fall and realized I was having a chronic pain that got worse and worse. I decided to withdraw for the semester when it looked like I might need surgery. I feel blessed that I didn't have to have surgery and the pain has gone.

I still haven't painted my loft. I finally found a painting technique that I loved - unfortunately 'Blueprint' went out of circulation the following week. I'd emailed them asking for the name of or how to do the technique. Boooo! I really, really need to get this done.

Last October my great grandmother celebrated her 100th birthday. I went home and drove to Mississippi with my family. I took lots of photos and videos - my 80 year old grandpa is on video telling jokes about growing up. I know many people don't still have their grandparents at my age, not to mention great grandparents.
In my twenties when I'd tell people about some family function etc, people would ask me about having grandparents and I'd tell them about my great grandparents. I know that I'm blessed to still have them and I realized that years ago. My grandparents helped mold me into the person I am today. They allowed me to be as outrageous and unique and quirky as I needed to be.
I would show up at their house with purple or green or no hair. I'd show up with my cat Sidney in my backpack - we would ride on my bike to their house daily. I'd be in the car for family trips with my hamster (and hamster ball, supplies etc) hidden...I think they knew I would probably bring my pets - they were family too.
And when I was struggling about coming home for Christmas because my Noona - my grandpa called just to say that he loved me. No one questioned whether I'd come home or not if Noona was sick - they know how much I love Noona. (I'll write about my Noona later....or not. I'm just not there yet and I want to keep the last moments between me and him in some ways.)
So, yeah I feel blessed to have grandparents and great grandparents.

Because I realize that I've avoided dating too long (at one point for 12 years) and decided to try going on blind dates. I am torn between writing about the dates or almost dates and not writing about them. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings because I wouldn't want that done to me.
So, I'll tell you that I went on a few dates. All the men were nice and interesting, even the one that liked to wear kilts out socially. (Some girlfriends said this wasn't bad - I disagree completely as they wouldn't be the grown woman out in public with a man in a kilt at the movies on Friday night.)
I hit it off with one of them - we had a lot in common, he'd lived in my birth city and we even knew some of the same people. We went on several dates, but I felt like I was in one place in my life and he was in another. Luckily that one just faded away.
I don't have any more dates scheduled, but we'll see... Actually, I'm not actively looking - if someone should approach me great, if not I'll live.

Lastly - one of my best friends is scheduled to go to Iraq. My godcat, her kitty, will come and live with me while she is away. I don't know what to say other than, I love that kitty, but I would much rather his mother didn't have to go there. I would rather if no one's son or daughter or husband or wife or sister or brother had to go to war ever again.

The summer semester ends

The summer semester has finally ended. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I decided that I could handle the hectic pace of summer classes, TWO CLASSES by the way, and work and volunteering and having a life. Scratch that last part - I didn't have a life this summer. I didn't even manage to clean my house this summer so having a social life or reading a book for fun or even doing laundry and dishes became more than I could handle most days.

I felt like I was doing okay most of the summer, well if treading water is doing fine. But at the end of the semester it was like everyone piled stuff on and on and on. I would read to before class only to be behind the next day. And don't get me started on 'blackboard' and having a group assignment! By the end of it I remembered exactly why I despised group projects - having to rely on the group rather than working at my own pace. By the end of the semester I was over the whole group project; I didn't even want to hear the words "group" and "project" together in a sentence! (I liked/like my classmates, but when some of them don't work and you do - well, you can finish that sentence.) I don't want to talk about ethics every spare moment I get.

Ok, I'm climbing down from the ledge now. I'm just glad summer is over. It is hard juggling work fulltime, volunteering and school fulltime. And at the end of this semester I really had a minute when I just felt over it all. Anyone that says school isn't work is insane. I'm not sure how I've managed these two semesters, but I'm exhausted.

I was asked to participate in a pilot program for the agency I volunteer with weekly. Because I want to help I agreed to participate. And then the person leading the program proceeded to call me during work hours (which I said NOT to do) and then call my cell repeatedly in the evenings. So this morning I declined to help them. I am acknowledging that my time for me is my time. When I get a spare 30 minutes or hour I don't want to be obligated to do or be or whatever someone else wants. Whew! It feels good to say, "NO". I think I'm going to start saying it more often - I just need time to myself and what I want. I’m amazed to find that I had put myself in a position of not saying “No” to people, but I realized that is exactly what I had done. So, now I’m saying no, no, no, no if it doesn’t suit me at the time and interrupts what little time I get for myself.


As for the summer semester, grades are finally posted and I’ve managed at 4.0 for all classes and that makes me happy. I’m going to celebrate by not committing to anything until I have to start school again for the Fall – a whole 12 days!

I take this personally.

This is personal and I debated whether I'd write about this or not. I don't want people to think badly of me (ok, some of you I could care less what you think...), but no one wants to be the weirdo in the group.
Here goes - I've had this issue since I was a kid. I'm not sure how it developed, but here I am at 40 dealing with it still and it has intensified.
This morning a mosquito somehow made its way all the way upstairs to our office. Said mosquito found Sarah to be an excellent source of warm blood and proceeded to bite the hell outta her ALL morning.
I was distressed for Sarah, but more distressed that said mosquito could tire of Sarah's type A blood at any moment - which by lunch time it had and said mosquito fluttered its little ass over to my side of the office. Shit!!!!
In case I haven't said this to you - I HATE mosquitoes with a passion hard to match. I hate, hate, hate them and it freaks me out that they bite multiple people AND can give you encephalitis. No matter what else is going on, if a mosquito is in the room with me I can ONLY focus on the mosquito and the mosquito only.
Yeah, I know some men think women are chicken shits when it comes to snakes, insects, bats, knife wielding bandits, but I'm not one of those women. I like all of the above, well not bandits so much. (Note: I have yet to encounter any bandits, knife wielding or otherwise. Stalkers yes, bandits no.)
Anyhow, back to the mosquito. I loose my shit when a mosquito is in the room. I can no longer focus like a rational adult - all I can focus on is that effn mosquito and KILLING it. My brain can't even pretend to pay attention to what you or anyone else is saying - it is like the mosquito and I sync frequencies. It hunts me and I hunt it while shivering in disgust.
So when Miss Mosquito tired of Sarah's tasty blood and came over to my side I had to put my foot down. It has been raining since I woke today and I don't care how wet it is or that the parking garage is five blocks away. I went and retrieved the bottle of OFF in my jeep. There's only so much I can handle. There will be no tasting of my B+ today.

Olive Branches

Last night, feeling high on not having a class to attend and sipping a cocktail, I realized I needed to act like I'd want to be treated. In other words I asked myself if I wanted to be an ass or an adult. Being adult comes at a high cost sometimes - you can't blame it on inexperience or youth when you totally eff something up. Well, I guess you can but that is a lame excuse and at this point only the very immature and selfish still make lame excuses for their behavior at my age.
Hold on, let me come back from my tangent.
Anyway, I was literally high from NOT have a class to attend and the cocktail sent me over the edge. While some people drunk dial, I drunk email or blog or paint my place. With second drink in hand I emailed the guy from my earlier post. I sent him a very, very adult email - so adult that when I sobered up I thought, "Who wrote that?!"
The email basically said that we were both adults and regardless of his specific interest in me or not, I'd like to be friends. I also apologized for seeing him last week and pretending I didn't see him like some 14 year old with braces. (I got my braces off last month.)
I expected him to write back and we'd start the friendly banter that occurs between two new friends, but no. He hasn't written back and while I'd love to hear from him I am okay if he doesn't respond.
I hope he realized though that I really would like to be friends. I am still hoping to hear from him so I'll blab about whatever happens.

Update:
Well, it has been two days since I sent my electronic olive branch and there's been no response. I'm assuming my olive branch was smothered in lighter fluid and set on fire. Whoosh!
I'm fine and I'm proud that I did what I thought was the right thing. And honestly, there weren't any 'other' motives at play - I just wanted not to be a bitchy child. I wish him the best.

Now what

Now what is what I'm asking myself after running into someone who I am sure was waiting for me to exit work.

This Tuesday Sarah and I exited the building at 5pm laughing hysterically at the events of the day which included superheroes. Yep, superheros. We were having a great time and walked out into the sun expecting to have a normal walk to the garage.
Instead I noticed waiting on the steps of a building across the streets - a man. Now, there were other men walking and sitting at the same building, but this one was clearly waiting for someone or something.

This one stood out because he politely stepped all over my heart a few months ago...after having pursued me for months. (He denied this and suggested that I'd been mistaken, but that he regretted that I'd gotten the wrong idea.)

It went like this: I go to lunch and a guy keeps 'appearing' where I am. I walk to my office and the same guy just happens to walk in front of me, very, very close. Once he's in front of me he stops and looks me right in the face. There are no other women with me sometimes and sometimes I'm with Sarah. She notices this behavior too.
One time Sarah and I are coming from lunch and he literally jumps from behind a truck to face me and then walk in front of me. It scared the shite outta me at first, but I realized he'd been watching us come and go, and probably for some time. Ok, this is a bit weird but I'm open to the fact that not everyone is comfortable socially. I also know that it takes guts to just walk up to a woman and introduce yourself. I get it, meeting someone is hard...can you tell I'm a Psychology major?

Because I've not dated in a while (and I can't figure men out dating-wise) I don't assume this behavior, no matter how odd, is directed at me. Until. Until this goes on for months and months and months. I realize that maybe he's just socially awkward - not everyone is a social butterfly.
He's not unattractive, a bit awkward, but not a bad looking guy. I hear him say his name and do some reasearch on him.

After more months I acknowledge him and he responds positively until he sees me...
Any woman reading this can figure out what that felt like including complete confusion since he'd seen me - remember he likes to step in front of me. This guy wants me to notice him clearly, but when I respond he tells me he's seeing someone. Ouch! Luckily I was going on vacation for two weeks the next day. I was really grateful that I had a vacation planned since I often ran into this man.

And here we are months later and I've moved on and take a new way to lunch etc, but feel better after that whole incident. I've blocked it out until I come out of the building and there he is after all these months. He makes eye contact and I look away only to find he's walked right in front of me again. I'm horrified and almost in slow motion he turns completely around to face us - I turn my head. We've done this before and it didn't end well the first time. I keep looking in another direction and he goes to the turtle pond - Sarah looked, I couldn't risk him watching and seeing me look.
This totally changes how I feel entering or exiting work. No, I don't think he is a bad person and I'm not afraid. It just makes me feel a bit weird.

After thinking about it a few days, I guess he's just painfully shy. I'm just guessing about that, but I think he's very shy. If he tries to approach me again I'll talk to him - really, how would I want someone to treat me if I were him?

It's just a voice.

Since leaving corporate land I don't make as much money. While I miss the money I don't miss all the other crap that went with the money. Specifically I don't miss working for all the time and on weekends and holidays and birthdays.
Have I ever mentioned the 26 hour day I worked once when I had a stomach virus? No? What about the 32 hour day where my new boss "Jane" didn't want me to take a food or potty break? Mother of Pearl I don't miss her or her croonies.
"Jane" would rush into my office two hours before 4pm and demand I finish a project because she needed it ASAP? She would then sneak her snarky arse out the back door - she didn't need it - that is just who she is.
I'm digressing here, I know...stop pushing. The point is, I don't miss all the drama, sleeping around, backstabbing and egos. I do - sometimes - miss some of the money, but not all that other shite.
I am MUCH happier now and I'm finishing my degree. (Which means I won't have so lean of a budget forever.)
Since the word "budget" is hard for my brain to translate, I hadn't created one. Until now.
I've finally reached the stage where I have to make some changes. (Look, I've known for a while, I just kept tuning it out.)
In creating a budget for myself I have ask if something is a necessity or a want. Anyone that has grown up an only child knows that this is not an easy question to answer. Often my wants are certainly necessities - like a nice wine and cable. Basic cable but not too basic.

Since I'm having a hard time eliminating the few "necessities" that strain my budget, I've been thinking of ways to make money. What can I do at home or for a few hours monthly to make some extra dough...and then I thought of it.
I've always been told what a nice voice I have - for as long as I can remember I've heard that. I've dated guys who've told me they liked to call me when I'm asleep because of my voice. I've had wrong numbers call multiple times trying to get a date based on my voice. (Which is creepy and weird so umm, no, I'm not planning on dating that way.)

So I'm thinking that maybe the thing for me is voice over work or some job that allows me to use my "talent". I'm going to do some research and see what opportunities are out there for a girl with a nice voice.

Vacation Photos - that's right, Barbados finally!

I've included a photo of one of my best friends - she was pissed but I wanted a photo of her from our trip.

I've fallen in love, with the ocean and the cliffs and the sound of the constant waves, oh and the breeze and...

Ok, I'll stop now. If you ever visit I recommend staying at The Crane in St. Phillip. (The other hotels wish they were The Crane.)
And if you want to see more photos, please check out the rest on Flickr.com

Changes

I've been thinking lately that I'd like more space, more autonomy, less steps to the trash, less dog poo (yeah, not all neighbors pick-up after their doggies), more space, less HOA interaction and more space. I feel like it is time for another major change with my graduation approaching.
In other words I've been thinking I might want to sell my loft and buy a proper house. But...

But Austin is pricey and now that my 'hood has become the hipzone everything has doubled and tripled in price.
I don't have any funds, but since the 'hood is now the place to be I can probably get a lot more than what I paid originally. (And as much as I'd like to be able to sell it so someone else could afford to own a cool home downtown, I need the money so I can have a cool home.)
I'm starting to look and the prices are staggering, but I feel like it is time for me to sit at the adult table.

Now if only I can find a way to take my cute neighbor with me. (I am serious about this last line - I would hate not to see him everyday.)

I caught a crab sneaking into rooms

B arbados.

Need I say more? Ok, yeah I prolly should.
I took a little vacation two weeks ago and saying it was nice would be not saying nearly enough.

I'm going to post pictures this weekend. I didn't take many because I was too busy just enjoying the moment and then the next moment and that other moment. Oh and I was drinking rum, often.

All I'm going to say right now is this - if you get a chance to go, go. And stay at The Crane in St. Philip. I know why people pick this place for honeymoons etc.

Did I mention it was beautiful and that there was some of the best rum ever? Yeah, I did mention that didn't I?

So that's what 40 looks like

40. I can remember when that word, forty, sounded like a lot. A lot of money (starving college student), a lot of shoes (shoe addict), a lot of years.
And yesterday forty and I were introduced on a personal level. Hilter and I share birthdays and yesterday I turned 40 on mine.

I can remember when I thought 20 was OLD, very, very old. I remember turning 19 in college and feeling burden, shackled, limited. I fought it and hard. I refused to admit that I'd turned 19.

Lara humored me by creating a birthday card for me to celebrate my "18b" birthday. I was fighting it (and everything else, I was 20 afterall).
The last thing I wanted to do was to actually grow up!
I learned to get over this by the time I turned 21 - really, I could only be "18c" for so long. People look at you weird when you say you are "18c", "18k" etc.

I've always been responsible and mature. (I've looked much older.) As a kid, and I mean REALLY a kid, I could pass for much older. On my 14th birthday, out to dinner with my mom and step-drag, I ordered a drink - the only one I knew the name of at the time thanks to movies, a screw-driver.
The waitress brought the drink too. (My mother told her I had just turned 14 that day and that I was kidding.)

I was always mistaken for being older, much older as a kid. I matured physically and mentally quickly and I guess a lot of people couldn't believe I was still a kid - but I was.

Now that I've turned 40, I have to get used to saying that when asked my age. When I turned 35 I had a hard time remember exactly how old I was - not because I hated that age, but because I honestly no longer remembered. When I meet men now, (I've decided to start dating - I am 40 after all.), it will be interesting to see their reaction to my age.

I noticed in my 30s that men my age had a habit of dating younger women and I'm sure my 40s will bring more of the same. This used to bother me a bit, like a mosquito in the room that hasn't bitten you yet - there was always this small annoyance. But I realized that there were a lot of younger men asking me out - sometimes too young. I didn't feel like my options were limited by age and I'm sure men in their 40s are dating younger women too, but it isn't my issue.

I just want to say 40 feels good. I would not trade this time or my 30s for younger years. Those years did provide a thinner, muscular, martial arts body, but it they also provided relationships based on that body and not on the person inside. It was ALL about how you looked rather than who you were or where you wanted to go, and while that exists to a degree in older people, I find that as people mature and grow, they leave the surface behind for what lies beneath.

I'm really looking forward to this year. There is someone on campus that I'm attracted to (now if only he would say something). I'm going away with one of my best friends to Barbados. I don't have breast cancer - that alone is a gift. I've had a successful corporate career and I was able to successfully walk away. I'm finishing my degree - this at times is frightening because a BIG dream is just around the corner. I can see myself successful in job choice.
There is much to look forward to, not just this year but in the future period.

To everyone that has yet to reach 40 I'd like to tell you something, don't fear the number or what people say you should have done by that age - just enjoy your time and listen to what works best for you.

Update: Campus boy turned out to be a major dud and while this is disappointing (and weird for a solid 24 hours), I'm moving on.

When someone says, "Can I show you something?", say NO.

I work in a VPs office, it is a pretty posh office. My work days are very quiet and the most exciting thing is when meetings overlap and everyone fights for the conference room. And by 'fight' I mean, they ask me where else they can go.
Today was different.
After a meeting ended,the attendees (VPs, Directors, assorted big wigs) left and then three returned.

One asked my co-worker if he could show her something. Ok, we get that all the time - they usually want to discuss the features of our new copier or where we got that new plant. But not today. Nope today what he showed her was different.

It was a turd, in the hall. Just hanging out in the hall between the offices for not one, but THREE vice presidents.

He then asked her, "How do you think that got there?" How do you respond to that?

None of us are sure what to make of this, but I'm quite grossed out now. This is another reason why I won't go into straight counseling when I graduate. There are limits to what I can help people with in therapy. Hey, at least I know my limits right?

Believe it or not, one of the big wigs cleaned it up. Who said bosses don't sometimes do the dirty work?

And I realized the Easter Bunny was toothless

Since I now live in another state - 8 hours away from my family, the holidays are not the same. No more going to my grandma's for Easter dinner (lunch, breakfast - really whenever I showed up she'd feed me) or seeing my family.
Now the holidays are spent making phone calls to everyone and if I'm not too lazy, making dinner for myself. (The dinner making rarely happens -there are other things I'd rather do instead. Including not doing anything.)

This Easter after cleaning I decided to treat myself to a movie. There are a few on my list and one is 'Reign over Me' with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. I needed something low-key and mellow with the rain and hail of an Easter Sunday in Austin. 'Grindhouse' just wasn't going to do it for me.

I made it to the movie by the skin of my teeth. When the movie hadn't started six minutes after the advertised time, a lady loudly proclaimed she was going to let the projectionist know. Clearly she had things to do and being off six minutes was going to throw everything out of whack for her.
She returns to the theatre and announces that there is a problem. Umm, ok. Not a minute later in walks the Easter Bunny. Seriously. And this particular Easter Hare is sporting a neon road worker's vest, a glow stick and I'm pretty sure doesn't have her teeth in.
The Easter Bunny is pleasant and lets us all know that they are aware of the issue and are working on it. While she's talking I'm thinking, "Has the Easter Bunny been drinking?!" At least the drinking would explain the whole Easter ensemble, neon vest, glow stick and missing teeth. Why can't I just enjoy a simple movie? Why?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

I'm usually good at figuring things out. Usually. Not all the time, but most times.
Lately there's something, rather someone, I can't figure out and it bugs me because I really want to solve the puzzle Wheel o' Fortune style.

There's a guy on campus that I see all the time. He's sort of cute, but he likes to jump from places and startle me. He doesn't say hello, ever. But he does this thing where he HAS to walk in front of me or else he literally jumps from behind a wall or truck or door RIGHT in front of me.

I'm almost 40 years old...I don't remember how this game goes from elementary school and I need to figure out WHY he keeps startling me.

Whew!

After having my boobies handled by a lot of doctors, I'm happy to say that the lump is nothing more than an infection. Of course I would have an infection there 'cause having one somewhere else would be too normal.
I'm happy, very, very happy that it turned to be nothing too serious. The doc have given me some meds to take and I need to keep an eye on it or them, ahem. Nothing like boobie watch.

I have to admit that it scared me to find one lump and then another. A lump?! In whose breast? Not mine! No matter how much I know that things don’t happen to “them”; things happen to “us”, ALL of us. I still didn’t think that one day I’ve have this sort of scare.

I lost my aunt to breast cancer when she was 43 years old. That was 11 years ago and in some ways it feels like last week. I don’t believe we ever get over losing someone we love and I didn’t want my family to have to go through that all again. I know, I know there is no guarentee that I wouldn’t have survived, but cancer tends to be more aggressive in minorities. Anyhoo – the boobies are fine and that is all that matters. (That and I won’t have to have another strange man (doctor or not, he’s still a stranger) feel me up!

In trying to process it all, it occurred to me (yep, I knew this but tuned it out) that I might not have time for all the things I’ve said I’d do “If” and “When”. I have lists in my mind and on paper (since my mind likes to forget stuff) of things I want to do, should do, need to do.

I’ve decided that there is no time like the present. Sure I can’t afford to do some of the things on my list right now, but there are others I can do that don’t cost any money.
They might cost me a little pride (if rejected) or a little sweat (how long has it been since I stood in a stance??) or maybe a little crow to chomp on…
I need to think about dating again and stop avoiding it – that is a whole nother blog because I’m not ready for that just yet. One thing at a time…
I need to get more organized.
I need to let go of some friendships that no longer work for me.
You get the idea.

One of those “I need to” things was visiting Barbados and at the end of April I will do just that. I am very excited and have to stop myself dancing at work.
I’m looking forward to a nice hotel stay, hanging out with the locals, watching amazing sunrises and sunsets, trying new rums (and bringing some home) and relaxing. I plan to take lots and lots and lots of photos.
I feel like I’m making progress. I’m at least one step closer to my goals.

Lump

Monday morning I'm brushing my teeth and I find a lump on my left breast. I guess you are wondering "how" I brush my teeth huh? I usually take off my night clothes before I brush - this way I can see any lumps right?
Anyway, I noticed the lump when I looked in the mirror - it hadn't been there the day prior. One part of my brain freaked - my aunt died at 43 from breast cancer in a matter of months. I'm going to be 40 next month, not exactly the way I want to bring in a milestone birthday.
The other part of my brain said, "Hey, it could be a mosquito bite or one of the cats could have caused that since they like to walk on you in your sleep."

I can only do two things, one start freaking. The other thing I do is start thinking about how to stop my cat from walking ON me. I decided to give it a day, it could go away and I put it out of my mind until after work. After work it was still there. Ok.

I had just been to the doctor in December and all was fine. I'd had a mammogram in August - performed by the horribly titled "Mammomat" - really, a man MUST be picking these names! All looked fine...in August and December.
I went to see my doctor Tuesday, she said the right things but she wasn't her usual fun self and frankly, she looked worried. She took some blood and sent me to a radiologist.

The following day I saw the radiologist, he was nice (which is important because I've had crappy doctors before), but he didn't find anything to explain the lump. He thinks it may be a duct and not serious. He said that if it gets worse to come back. Whew! I feel better, much, much better. (Not that I was afraid of dying - I just have other things I want to do first.)

I came back to work today and feel much better, the world isn't in such sharp focus anymore. And then my doctor's assistant calls this morning - she wants me to come back in to see her within a week and to take another test. I still don't feel as freaked as I did before, but I don't feel completely relaxed anymore either.

This isn't the first time I've been faced with my death. The first time was when a drunk driver decided that a red light didn't apply to him. People say your life flashes before you, mine did not. (Thankfully 'cause I've not been perfect.) Instead, I thought about who was going to tell my mom and how they would tell her. I thought and worried about my friends and family having to hear the news and deal with the mess that follows. I also thought about how I hadn't really, really ever been in love. Sure, I'd loved people and people had loved me, but I hadn't (still haven't) found the person that fit for me. I also remember thinking, "So, this is how I die."
That accident was ten years ago and I still think about how I didn't feel afraid, but felt sad for my family and friends. I guess when you think you are about to die you aren't worried about all the garbage you worry about everyday. Makes sense to me.
Guess I better get going on finding that person huh?

Changes

I'm back! I was struggling with having two sites to manage, this one and MySpace and I decided to delete the other page. I miss some friends I'd made on there, but hopefully they will find me here.

Where's the down time?

It is Friday and I've waited for it all week. It has been an interesting and sometimes stressful week. It has been a week of ending projects and ending what at one time passsed as friendships.

It has been some week! I am so looking forward to having a weekend of just relaxing and doing something fun. Luckily there are a ton of things to do this weekend and people to see to keep me busy, busy, busy. I guess I've sort of planned out the entire weekend, but I need it to focus on other things.

The East Austin Studio Tour, where artists open their studios to the public, is this weekend. I found out about it after I'd been in Austin for a few years.
I couldn't convince my roomie to go with me, so I went it alone. It rained and was cold and for a moment I had second thoughts. But then I thought what was the other choice; staying at home in front of the telly would keep me dry but I wouldn't have any new experiences. So out in the cold and wet I went with coffee in hand.

I get lost easily, yeah I didn't get the gene for navigation, but I found all the places I'd marked off and had the best time EVER! Since I went out fairly early in the tour, I managed to meet a lot of the artists and had time to talk to them about their work. I really had a great time and it gave me a small push to start doing some of my art again - something I'd pushed far down inside of me for years. Having a corporate job was great for my finances, but it silenced the parts of me that were more expressive without me realizing it. Before I knew it, I had lost my way of seeing the world just through my eyes. I didn't see it coming.

So the tour is this weekend and I'd been told that the Empty Bowl Project was this weekend also. Now that I think of it, both events happened on the same weekend last year. I had an excellent time with friends last year.