Lump

Monday morning I'm brushing my teeth and I find a lump on my left breast. I guess you are wondering "how" I brush my teeth huh? I usually take off my night clothes before I brush - this way I can see any lumps right?
Anyway, I noticed the lump when I looked in the mirror - it hadn't been there the day prior. One part of my brain freaked - my aunt died at 43 from breast cancer in a matter of months. I'm going to be 40 next month, not exactly the way I want to bring in a milestone birthday.
The other part of my brain said, "Hey, it could be a mosquito bite or one of the cats could have caused that since they like to walk on you in your sleep."

I can only do two things, one start freaking. The other thing I do is start thinking about how to stop my cat from walking ON me. I decided to give it a day, it could go away and I put it out of my mind until after work. After work it was still there. Ok.

I had just been to the doctor in December and all was fine. I'd had a mammogram in August - performed by the horribly titled "Mammomat" - really, a man MUST be picking these names! All looked fine...in August and December.
I went to see my doctor Tuesday, she said the right things but she wasn't her usual fun self and frankly, she looked worried. She took some blood and sent me to a radiologist.

The following day I saw the radiologist, he was nice (which is important because I've had crappy doctors before), but he didn't find anything to explain the lump. He thinks it may be a duct and not serious. He said that if it gets worse to come back. Whew! I feel better, much, much better. (Not that I was afraid of dying - I just have other things I want to do first.)

I came back to work today and feel much better, the world isn't in such sharp focus anymore. And then my doctor's assistant calls this morning - she wants me to come back in to see her within a week and to take another test. I still don't feel as freaked as I did before, but I don't feel completely relaxed anymore either.

This isn't the first time I've been faced with my death. The first time was when a drunk driver decided that a red light didn't apply to him. People say your life flashes before you, mine did not. (Thankfully 'cause I've not been perfect.) Instead, I thought about who was going to tell my mom and how they would tell her. I thought and worried about my friends and family having to hear the news and deal with the mess that follows. I also thought about how I hadn't really, really ever been in love. Sure, I'd loved people and people had loved me, but I hadn't (still haven't) found the person that fit for me. I also remember thinking, "So, this is how I die."
That accident was ten years ago and I still think about how I didn't feel afraid, but felt sad for my family and friends. I guess when you think you are about to die you aren't worried about all the garbage you worry about everyday. Makes sense to me.
Guess I better get going on finding that person huh?

Changes

I'm back! I was struggling with having two sites to manage, this one and MySpace and I decided to delete the other page. I miss some friends I'd made on there, but hopefully they will find me here.

Where's the down time?

It is Friday and I've waited for it all week. It has been an interesting and sometimes stressful week. It has been a week of ending projects and ending what at one time passsed as friendships.

It has been some week! I am so looking forward to having a weekend of just relaxing and doing something fun. Luckily there are a ton of things to do this weekend and people to see to keep me busy, busy, busy. I guess I've sort of planned out the entire weekend, but I need it to focus on other things.

The East Austin Studio Tour, where artists open their studios to the public, is this weekend. I found out about it after I'd been in Austin for a few years.
I couldn't convince my roomie to go with me, so I went it alone. It rained and was cold and for a moment I had second thoughts. But then I thought what was the other choice; staying at home in front of the telly would keep me dry but I wouldn't have any new experiences. So out in the cold and wet I went with coffee in hand.

I get lost easily, yeah I didn't get the gene for navigation, but I found all the places I'd marked off and had the best time EVER! Since I went out fairly early in the tour, I managed to meet a lot of the artists and had time to talk to them about their work. I really had a great time and it gave me a small push to start doing some of my art again - something I'd pushed far down inside of me for years. Having a corporate job was great for my finances, but it silenced the parts of me that were more expressive without me realizing it. Before I knew it, I had lost my way of seeing the world just through my eyes. I didn't see it coming.

So the tour is this weekend and I'd been told that the Empty Bowl Project was this weekend also. Now that I think of it, both events happened on the same weekend last year. I had an excellent time with friends last year.

Getting off the Merry-go-round

Ever find yourself in a situation you promised you wouldn't find yourself in again? Ever make a vow to not do something again, but time passes and the vividness of that vow fades?

I managed to find myself in a situation I said I wouldn't again, I know better afterall. I'm supposed to DO better. But I failed again. It goes the same each time, how many times must this go around before I get sick enough to stop for good. Dating and wanting to date...I'm not good at it and I know it. So how did I get here this time?

It starts simple enough. I'm comfortable, in a good space, my life is going well. I have a great life, I've known that for some time. And then - then I meet some guy I find attractive and it all starts again, this merry-go-round.

I went to a party with friends. I realize I don't go out much anymore and who wants to be the weird hermit chick? So, I make an effort to go out and I'm having a reasonable amount of fun talking to new people, laughing with old friends and watching hipsters do the mating jig. I'm fine, having a great time just being. No expectations and then....

I notice him noticing me. He is cute. He looks a bit older than me, which is new to me. A part of my brain keeps flashing in neon the word "older". I flee the party for outside. Safe. I sit and watch traffic and think about nothing. Old friends and new friends come over.

He comes outside and watches me, our eyes keep meeting while others tell us funny stories....and we are back on the merry-go-round. I'm attracted and apparently so is he.

My friend picks up on it and before I can pull her away, she walks over to him. I am trying to focus on what my other friends are saying, what ANYONE around is saying because I'm afraid of what she's telling him.
I see him out of the corner of my eye watching me. I then hear, "Yeah, well I have a friend who wants to meet you."

Then she just walks away from him like she'd said nothing. He looks disappointed not to know who wants to meet him. I want to run over and grab her, but I don't.
I don't, I go back to pretending to know what the group was discussing while my brain plays her sentence over and over and over.

We do end up meeting briefly by midnight and exchange contact information.

All is fine and flirty and he tells me where he's be for another event. There's a bit more flirting and there's another event he mentions. I'm excited to see him again - not overly excited but open to flirting and seeing what happens. I let my guard down, I start to believe I can actually pull this off.

But, before I even know it I've fallen off the merry-go-round again. Without warning, without me being over involved.

Ok, no more merry-go-rounds for me. I know I suck at dating already, don't need to keep refreshing that fact.

Condo Living!

Two years ago I bought one of my dreams, a loft. This is my first home and it has so many things I wanted. Sure, I'd like a smidge more feet of space, but really it is ideal.
There are windows, windows, windows and high ceilings and light. I sometimes lie on the floor and smile because I'm happy just being there.
Until now.
There's a cloud blocking my uncovered window panoramic view. A petty, small, yappy, insane cloud. Merde! I want that effn cloud to move!!!!!

I handle the books for my complex. When I left my career after a decade, I realized I wanted to stop traveling and working ALL the time. I wanted less, which really would open the door for more, more, more. More time to experience what I want from my life, more time to spend with friends, more time to decorate my new home, more time to focus on finding a boyfriend with potential. Changing jobs meant making less money unless I wanted to get back into some corporate postion - which I didn't.

When the opportunity came for me to do the books for the complex, it was perfect. I could work from home and at my own pace. There have been challenges, but you just keep going and do your best to dance it off. (I work on the books at home, I can take a dance break when stressed.

Due to some changes, I was asked to join the formal board for my complex. I didn't want to be on the board, but I understood the reasons they needed me. My thought was that I would do it until it was election time. I've had so much happen in the last 4 months, I didn't want another responsibilty....but I was responsible.

Until now.

There are two 'members' that have created so much petty drama that I resigned this morning. No, I'm not a coward. But I have moments when I know I have to remove myself from situations. I'm grown up now...I have learned to walk away...I can do this...don't respond to them, just keep walking.

Mother of Pearl!!! I want them to stop creating drama by sending emails with passive and petty behavior! I'm trying to go, just let me.

But they can't, the wee man and the insane female....they are both cowards in real life. I call them weak and cowards because if they wanted to really address me, I live two floors up...just two little floors. All either would have to do is knock on my door, but they won't.

I now know why city council members sometimes end up in fist fights. I don't think it is right, but now I understand. People use words to inflict pain and cause distress; sometimes that frustrates the victim so much they physically react.

That is why I'm walking away from the board. I need my peace. I need to tune out the noise of that drama and pettiness.
I have a responsibilty to act as an adult, to act as a martial artist who DID learn control, to act as the Christian most importantly. (God knows I'm far from perfect, he does expect me to try to do better now that I know better.)

I want:

1. Something that you recently changed: My friends, my furniture, my way of interacting with some friends.

2. Never in my life have I sucked: Licorice. I hate it.

3. The one person who can drive me nuts, but then can always manage to make me smile: My brother.

4. In High School I was: Moody, smart, bitchy, angry, punk rock, an honor student.

5. When I'm nervous: I revert to bad habits.

6. The last time I cried was:I don't remember the exact date, but recently. I've lost a few people in the last months.

7. If I were to get married right now my bridesmaids/groomsmen would be: No one, I've seen the show Bridezillas.

8. Wine of choice: Cabernet Savignon or Prosecco.

9. My hair is: shoulder length and dreadlocked.

10. When I was 4: I knew more than I knew how to express.

11. Last Christmas: it snowed when I went home.

12. Last soda you drank: half a coke yesterday.

13. I should be: working.

14. When I Look Down: my hair falls out of the bun I'm sportin'.

15. The craziest recent event was: I don't have just one, give me an subject.

16. If I were a character on Friends I'd be: the character that doesn't appear; I don't like that show.

17. By this time next year: I plan to be close to completing one degree; paid off my credit card and met a guy with some real potential.

18. I often dream of: waking up in France or my family.

19. I have a hard time understanding: why people don't treat others as they want to be treated and why it is so hard to look beyond facades.

20. One time at a family gathering: my mother made us ride in the back while the dog rode up front with her.

21. You know I like you: When I spend any time talking or emailing or calling you.

22. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd tell would be: My mom and Tee.

23. Take my advice: Live life on your own terms and don't be afraid to be who you are.

24. My ideal breakfast is: a latte, blueberries, bananas and beignets.

25. If you visited the place I grew up: You'd mistake it for just a place to party and miss the little things that make it unique.

26. Where do you plan to visit soon: Martinique or France.

27. If you spend the night at my house you better: not wear your shoes on my favorite rug and like cats.

28. Journey or Styx: Journey of course.

29. The world could not do without: Kindness, love, action, consideration, empathy, family, friends, animals, excitment...

30. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than date: I am NOT licking a roach for any one, any time, any where. Ewwwww!

31. Most recent thing you've bought yourself: A new plasma telly and a warranty for it.

32. Most recent thing someone else bought for you: I'm thinking....

33. One thing that you could not live without: Love.

34. My favorite color is: white, soft pink, black, oxyblood.

35. Last radio station you listened to: Pandora.com

36. Last underwear purchased: Two months ago.

37. The animal I would like to see flying besides birds are: People. Maybe we wouldn't rely on gas so much. (Please, no pooping in flight either)

38. I shouldn't have: bought 5 pairs of shoes at once.

39. Once, at a bar: I could say a lot here... I have a girl throw a drink in my face because she thought I was hitting on her boyfriend. She missed and I didn't know him at all - my friend WAS hitting on him.

40. Last night I: was too lazy to make my bed.

41. There's this girl I know who: who makes me laugh at work.

42. How do you feel about toilet paper: That it should be good quality. (?)

43. A better name for me would be: depends on who I am that day.

44. If I ever go back to school I will: finish my degree and feel better for having done it.

45. How many days until my birthday?: About 8 months.

46. What I really want for my birthday is: To go on a trip to Martinique or France and to have met a decent guy.

47. I'm wearing: a skirt and a shirt.

48. Tomorrow I am: Working.

49. My friends are: around for a long time.

50. I really wish for: Love, travel, my family to have all their dreams, good friends, a good/happy life and to buy a bigger warehouse/loft next.

Friends

I bought my first home two years ago. It is a loft which I've always wanted; a place that I can make changes as I please. A place to call mine.

With my new place came lots of new people and adventures. I developed close relationships with many and we've done a lot of things together. We share meals, movies, parties, outside friends, life events, keys to each other's units and problems. But I feel disconnected lately. I suppose
the honeymoon ends for everyone.

Since June 8th, I've lost 6 people in my life. Some of them I've known all of my life or all of theirs. Others I'd know for at least 20 years. Thats a lot of people to loose in such a short time and I'm coping with it. I have to, what is my other choice?
I have to go on because these people can't - it is true, you feel like your world stops, all sounds, actions, thoughts - but the world continues on and on and on.

So I continue on because I can't stop living even though I miss them deeply and my life won't ever be the same; I have to keep moving forward. I also have to keep in mind that when you love someone, the physical isn't what you love because the physical isn't lasting.

In moving on in the world, I've started to examine some of my friendships with neighbors. The honeymoon is over.
I realize I don't want some of the friendships anymore. I had to examine this and make sure I wasn't just pushing people away, I can do that having grown up an only child. You learn to do and be and live on your own, in your own world. I have to admit that perhaps I am pushing away just a touch, but overall these relationships aren't what I want for my life.
I am not perfect. I know that. But I don't want to waste time and energy on people that are flaky or flighty or all the qualities that I don't want in my life.

There are too many details and incidents that lead to this decision, but I'm clear now.
I am ready to limit my friendships. I also have to admit that I think (notice I said "I think"), I'm ready for a serious relationship now.

I suppose loss makes us want to connect in ways that matter with people that matter.

Goodbye and Hello

Monday I came into the office to the news that a co-worker had passed away. We all knew she was sick, but I didn't really think she wouldn't make it. She has gotten frail and was out of the office a lot, but I thought she would be back.

Clearly I was wrong.

She passed away Saturday night and she won't walk in the door again or tell another joke or ask about my weekend. Life is short, even when it feels long, it is really, really short. And life is unpredictable.

I was tasked with going through her messages and taking care of her phone and computer. I know it has to be done and I don't fight being given the task. But...but, to listen to someone's messages - some of them left this morning - isn't a trivial. I feel like I have no place here, yet I know I have to finish it. I feel like a peeping Betty, spying on someone in their most openly private moment, death.

I finish and make some arrangements and I have this nagging feeling that I could have been nicer, that I could have been more understanding. I was't outright mean, but I know I could have done a better job - but.... But I didn't expect her to really die. I didn't and so I have to process my actions and lack of action.

I am a nice person and I don't have any excuse. I was nice enough, but really that just means that I didn't give better or more, that I was a slacker and now I don't have a chance to make it up to her. I feel a bit of guilt, but not overwhelming because really the issue is the spirit behind it, not what was obvious.

The other thing I am processing is that, this is it. This, right here, right now, this moment.
I am not where I want to be, not with whom I want to be with - so what am I going to do?
I am not going to waste any more time. I am not going to give 89.31% rather than 100% to someone and thus to myself. I have to start doing the things on my list to do and that includes removing the fear when pursuing this "thing" that I want.

It also means removing the fear and asking her to forgive me of my ignorance for not opening up more. I realize this is my way of telling her goodbye and I'll get a chance to do it until I get it right.

Thank you Allison for slapping me with the message I should have gotten when Jonathan passed in June - I had a hint, but know I think I see the full picture.

Not sure what to make of this

I've always been successful in other areas of my life, I'm educated (despite the typos I make), I speak more than one language, I've studied martial arts for years, I volunteer, I donate my time and money when I can, I worked at the corporate level with tats, piercings, integrity and dreadlocks, I have two retirement plans, stocks, own my home and car, travel... See, I'm doing great, right?

But when it comes to relationships I suck for lack of a better word. I haven't taken steps to accomplish my goals in other areas, but have been unsuccessful in dating; I've been "suck-successful" in my romantic relationships with men.

I set a pretty intense list of goals for myself in 2004 like paying off all credit cards, paying off my car, buygin my first home etc. And I did the ALL. (I've not that driven but I wanted to move on to another phase of my life and those goals helped me do so. )
My goal since the age of 32 years old has been to find the person for me. Sounds so, so, simple huh? Well, be careful of the things that sould simple, usually they aren't simple in any way except concept.

I didn't date until college and being young, inexperienced and naive, I made some mistakes.
After years of mistakes and at one point giving up dating for 12 yeras; I started picking better.

Of course, this makes dating both easier and harder. I no longer settle for less and it lessens the number of men I would date.

Next!

Wednesday, ah Wednesday. Not too bad of a week so far, but I am quite ready for the weekend. There is nothing like deciding to walk away from a romantic relationship and having pms at the same time.

It is okay, both will pass shortly - the pms HAS to come to and there is another man trying to get my attention anyway.
At least I think he's trying to get my attention, other women seem to think he is trying to get me to notice. I'm clueless with men unless they just tell me upfront. People tell me I'm smart...I just have a hard time realizing if a man is interested in more than just being my friend.

I admit it, I give myself an "F" in dating.
I spent a year in corporate disneyland, own my own home and dream car. I'm successful I tell ya!
I have a great life, GREAT! I love going out and I'm outgoing. I really love my life and don't believe in waiting for someone special to enjoy life. I like having dinner alone and doing things without a boyfriend, but it would be nice if that were a choice that I'd have to make - to invite someone or not to invite someone, that would be the question.
So, if I'm so successful at work and school and karate, why do I absolutely suck in dating? I'm nice and not too nice. I'm independent, ok that doesn't go in my favor much for dating. I'm well read. I've told I look "exotic", which trust me sounds way sexier than any action I actually see.
So why do I suck at dating so much? I don't have an answer for that and I'm sure I won't find a clear one today.